Untitled

2009-08-13T11:46:00.001-07:00

Christians baffle me. This past year I have seen more Christian friends fall away than I ever thought possible. People I used to look up to for questions of faith and of God. Now I am watching them slowly destroy themselves by the unwillingness to put God first in their lives. By their unwillingness to give up their selfish desires for Him. It's made me study my own walk with God more intently than I have in a long time. Am I any different? I get distracted and worry about money and work, and I get busy and don't make time for Him. Am I willing to give up those things for God? Am I also living for my selfish desires, or is their a deeper, Christ-like passion that is driving the actions of my life.

"The more I see of the world, the more I am dissatisfied with it." - Jane Austen
I thought of that today, and how true it is. The older I get, the more I learn and experience and witness, the more my heart breaks for what we've lost. For what we are losing every day. For how we destroy ourselves choice by arrogant choice, and then wonder why we feel sad, or broken, or lost, and why God feels so incredibly far away. I had a very rough couple weeks at work. I went to terrible calls and saw horrible things, and left each of them thinking to myself that no one should have to see these things. That these things should not even happen. And as I biked home from work one night crying on my bicycle at 3 am, the entire sky opened up with northern lights. And as gorgeous as they were, and as majestic as those shifting swirls of green and pink cascading across the sky were, they were filled with sorrow. And out of them, I felt like God was weeping over His lost creation. Over the works of His tender hands, created in His own image, that He must sit and watch turn to darkness and destruction because He was gracious enough to give us free will.

I thought of how we spit in His face by ignoring Him. How we put Him second and third and fifth to meaningless objects and bank accounts, and flesh. I thought of how heavy His heart must be for us. So full of love, so full of our potential, and what we could become, but instead choosing to be stuck here, drowning in our own bad choices. I wish we cared enough about God to put Him first.

Church Thoughts Take II

2009-03-31T22:47:00.000-07:00

God blows my mind. Despite my unwilling heart, my unfaithfulness, and my indifference He is still here, carrying me across the sand...

So in my last entry I was going through a rough part of my life where I felt like my perceptions of church and what it means to me were crumbling apart around me. I spent most Sundays trying to think of reasons why I should go to church, which more often than not ended up being for the sole reason that God wants me too. I remember driving to the Sunday service in Clint's truck and whispering to him, "we can still skip.... we're not there yet, we can still skip..." Luckily for me Clint drove unswervingly to the church on all such occasions. But last Sunday I experienced something that I'm beginning to discover was missing previously from "church." Community. A big word we throw around a lot, but I think last week I saw it. I got to sit in the front row and take part it in it. I watched as people poured out their hearts to each other. I saw them be vulnerable. I saw the light of God in their eyes. Saw the glow, that glow you can only get from talking about Christ. And I was happy. Not only happy, but joyful. Overflowing in a sense - literally since my eyes kept getting wetter and wetter somehow... Damn plank in it I guess.

When I was struggling with church, and how I fit in it, my Mom wrote me a letter. Which in itself is pretty sweet because we've lost the value of letters I think, and my parents live only two blocks away. In it she explained some of the same feelings that she has been struggling with, and one comment that she made that has stuck with me, was that the church isn't perfect. It can be broken and frustrating, and all around drive you crazy. But Christ loves it. He loves it so much He died for it. I've seen some of the worst of churches of the years, but I've also seen some pretty amazing things in church that I will never forget - that could be a blog for another time I suppose....

I know I have some things I need to work on. I know that there will be days where I will still dislike the church, where I will still whisper to Clint that we can still skip... where I will still feel like I don't fit, and that other people don't fit and that its not welcoming enough, not passionate enough, not generous enough. But now that I'm realizing the value of the people in that church along with me, maybe I can take those things with a grain of salt. What is that saying they use in Sunday school? The church isn't the building, it's the people.

My Brothers and Sisters in Quaint and Comfortable Oblivion

2009-02-05T16:38:00.000-08:00

I hate church. There you have it. The true confessions of a Christian. I Heather, hate the church. I try not to, I try to be positive about it, I try to be a part of it, but in the back of my mind, unescapable and lingering, is that feeling of wasting time and energy for something that if it was taken out of my life would only succeed in making me a happier person.

I supposed I should elaborate on my feelings of dislike towards the church. When I say I hate the church, I don't mean the people that go to church. I think as individuals I have met most of the amazing people I know at church. My parents go to church, and I thoroughly love and respect them. My mentor goes to church. My friends go to church. The people at churches are dynamic and beautiful and loving. But there is something about those individuals all coming together under a religious roof with religious cliches and signs and religious ideas, promoting their religion, that I hate. I think church sucks the souls out of Christians by slowly and steadily making us believe that what Jesus wants from us is to be utterly and completely involved in Christian things, and that by creating this wonderful safe bubble of Christianity we are actually doing his will. I guess to follow Jesus we have to file into church pews.

The worst part of church, is that every church secretly hates all the other churches and thinks that they are better than those churches because they aren't big screw ups like them. They are having problems because they don't have faith like ours. Or they are having problems because they don't hand out coupons like us. But we're not like that. We're different. We're in the right Christian bubble, the bubble with Jesus in it.

Sometimes it seems like the only thing churches have ever accomplished is to drive people away who didn't fit into our Christian stereotype we decided was necessary to be loved by God. And the only thing church has taught me is how to waste my life thinking about myself. Serving myself. I think if we were to really look at everything we do within the church (and I do mean EVERYTHING) we would find it's all for us. All for people like us. Christians like us. Everyone we've surrounded ourselves with is like us. And anyone who isn't, will soon end up leaving because they will realize that church isn't where they belong.

I wish Jesus could have lived in our time. I think we need him to overturn our pretty display tables and offering plates, in our richly furnished, exclusive buildings. I think we're so lost and in need of saving that it would take that much to get our attention.

Overcome or Overcoming

2008-10-19T01:51:00.000-07:00

There is so much evil in our world. Sometimes it feels like I am drowning in the stuff. Slowly becoming saturated with darkness, until doubts arise as to whether any of this is worthwhile or purposeful. My wise roommate once said to me: "Don't let evil overwhelm you." And while I didn't realize the weight of her words at that moment, I have found myself thinking more and more about them these past weeks. I think I'm beginning to see that whether or not we drown in this darkness, is entirely dependent on whether or not we latch on to the life preserver.

Just over two weeks ago I got to experience a woman giving birth. Before you coo and awww at how precious it must have been, allow me to point out that the mother of the infant injected cocaine 20 minutes before the delivery. That the helpless child was born with his hands and feet twitching with the withdrawls, and that the mother, who earnestly kept inquiring how her baby was, will not get to see his first birthday. She has had five children, and has gotten to keep none of them. Since there are always two of us that go on calls my partner attended to the mother and cut the cord, while I wrapped the baby boy no bigger than a football in blankets. I was the first person to hold that child. The first to wrap my arms around him and look into his face. And I was suddenly aware of the battle between light and dark.

On the one hand there was new life in the room. The baby, despite the withdrawls, was born healthy and was truly the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. On the other hand I could not help thinking about his future... What home would he end up in? would loving parents adopt him? would he end up in foster homes? Would he know his immense value and worth as an individual, or be broken by the fact that his mother was unable to care for him? Would this innocent end up where she was fifteen or twenty years down the road?

And then I remembered the truth I know so well. That all of this is out of my hands, and held instead by a Creator who sees every sparrow fall. Who even though I don't understand Him, and He doesn't always seem fair, still gives me that peace that He is present and in control. Somehow that's enough for me, I guess. Despite all the evil, despite the immense suffering we see in this cursed planet, God is still with us. Still walking beside us. Still holding our hands. Still guiding us through the night.

The darkness is still there, it just doesn't seem quite so dark anymore...

Don't Drink the Poison.

2008-06-02T09:28:00.000-07:00

I haven't had to deal with much injustice in my life, but last week I found myself suddenly staring it full in the face. Our contract had expired for work, and so after being under deliberation for several months we had a union meeting to discuss the changes. I sat in a room with my coworkers and watched page after page of clauses roll by with the underlying message that I am worthless as an employee and that I have little to no value. In this new contract I am expected to be available more, I cannot take a vacation for more than two weeks. Which may sound reasonable, except that I am a casual employee with no guaranteed hours, just on call shifts. They have made new rules making it almost impossible for me to get a second job, they didn't raise the on call wage, which would have been a small way for them to show they were at least trying to cooperate. Not only that, but to add to the insult, they have agreed to pay full time employees twice as much as part timers for being on call. Full time employees are never on call. It a cheap, sneaky move on their part to try and make this hideous contract more appealing to the full timers. I wish I was dumb enough to tell myself they didn't do all of this on purpose, and not because of the known fact that there are a lot more full time employees than part time, and therefore that we have little chance of defending ourselves. My reward for having a company I've never trusted cinch its fingers tighter around my throat, was a forty five cent raise. 45 cents. Apparently thats what I'm worth. The contract ended with a bribe. As if they couldn't sink any lower, they promised a thousand dollars to every full time employee who agreed to sign. Part timers would be paid according to hours. Which means the people getting stabbed in the back by this contract, aren't even rewarded for agreeing to do what they want. No, instead they are paying the people they have already made it so clear, are the only worthwhile employees in this disease of a company.

When the meeting ended (Suffice to say, I voted no), I stood by the windows and told myself to just breathe. I felt like I had just lost a battle I didn't even know I was in. I was saturated with rage. More anger I think than I have felt in my whole life. Part of me wanted to throw a chair through the window. The other part wanted to hand in my uniform and just walk away. I gave 18 months of sweat and tears to a job with the belief that at some point it would have to get better. But now I see the truth. That things are, in fact, slowly getting worse. I suppose I can at least hold on to the fact that it was only a year and a half and not any longer.

I got an email with the results of the vote today. 73% were in favor of it. Deep down, I had hoped for at least a lower number than that. If only we could make some sort of stand. If only a whole bunch of us could walk away from the job together. Throw down our stethoscopes and storm out, never to be seen again. But the company has the bigger hand, and I'm sure they know it. People have husbands and children and mortgages and car payments. They can't simply walk away.

Stairway to Joy

2007-12-21T20:54:00.000-08:00

Ah boredom. My old friend. Actually I havent been bored in a really long time. Lately, whenever I have a chance to do nothing its amazing. Of course doing nothing, with someone is different than doing nothing by yourself. So that probably is a huge part of it. But as of this moment, I am bored. Alone, and bored.

Here's a story to pass some time. I was walking down the sidewalk with a good friend one day in the middle of the summer, when we came across various drawings in multi-coloured sidewalk chalk. Most of them were the usual chaotic scribbles of a six year old, but one caught my eye. It looked like a rickety old ladder, just a whole bunch of lines giving the impression of rungs, and it stretched for a good ten steps down the street. At the bottom end was a label that stated, quite simply: Stairway to Joy. My friend and I proceeded to follow the trail of steps until we came to the end. Labeled at that end were the same three words. Stairway to Joy. Both of us laughed at the ignorant but deep philosophical point that the maker of the drawing had demonstrated.
How fleeting it is to pursue happiness, or joy. Their will be no end to the chase, the prize will forever evade you.

Hmmm. Ten minutes have passed. That didn't take as much time as I had hoped.

Devil on My Back

2007-12-19T21:05:00.000-08:00

Ah faithful blog. It has been too long. We had a bit of a falling out over the past months when I tried this thing with facebook, but it didn't end up working out.

What a topsy turvy several months it has been too. Full of breakdowns and long nights, self pity and stress, exhaustion, threat of illness, miniature disasters, and soaring emotional highs. All of those, minus the latter, were brought on by my work, which seems, despite my best efforts, to slowly swallow every aspect of my life until there is nothing but a bleary dismal schedule ahead, and the bitter taste of night shifts behind.

I had a revelation one night. After being awakened from a pleasant sleep at three in the morning by my cell phone ringing and work demanding that I "Get in as quick as possible", for what felt like the twenty thousandth time that week. I proceeded to burst into hot, exhausted tears, pleading for some salvation that I knew deep down was not coming, and that I was only prolonging the inevitable: That long, cold drive back to work. As I sat on Louis's frigid seat (my amazing Honda for those who don't know), and rolled habitually down the road, I thought about work from a step back. I looked at my whole last year. My first year in EMS. At the progression from when I started, in love with my job, happy to do it, amazed that I had gotten it, to this point. This ugly, hate filled point. I didn't like the person work was making me. I still don't, and maybe it's a cop-out to blame work for my change in attitude, but the fact still remained that something did have to change. I was angry all the time. I was frustrated. I no longer worked hard, but just did the minimum to get by, and seemed to almost fail even at that. I hated my coworkers, I hated my bosses, and I hated my patients. To borrow the words of Taking Back Sunday, I was "so sick of being tired, and oh so tired of being sick." I could feel my life slipping past me, full of all the things I was missing out on because I had to work. Birthdays, holidays, Sunday afternoons with my family, Church, friends. I was missing it all. Missing it for a mere job that I didn't enjoy.

Getting to work is the worst part. The dread slowly increases, and especially in the winter time it is usually cold and dark. By the time I arrived and was ready for work, I felt better. I fell into a really impacting conversation with the guy I was working with. We talked about work, how we hated it, how neither of us wanted to do it anymore. He told me he was going to school in January. Something about that stuck with me. Getting out was an option. For some reason I had convinced myself that I was stuck. That because I had gone to school to do my job, I had to stay with it. It was incredibly refreshing to finally have someone who agreed with me.

So I made myself a deal. One more year. And if my feelings towards work haven't changed then I'm getting out of it. Out while I'm still young and don't give away everything I have to offer in exchange for being a workaholic.

Rants and Realizations

2007-08-05T10:56:00.000-07:00

My job is never boring, that's for certain. Check out what I got to drive a couple days ago back from Prince Albert. I guess they needed it for the parade so I got to do it.

It was fun for a while. The thrill wore off when I ended up missing lunch and supper, and leaving my car keys in one of the other ambulances so that I was stuck at base for an hour before my 12 hour night shift started. I was a bit on the grouchy side.

And "a bit" might be a strong understatement...

It doesn't take much to put me in a bad mood I've noticed. Like yesterday for example. Had plans to hang out with the roommate and of course they got cancelled because work told me to stay late. TOLD. There was no asking. Then they proceeded to tell me to stay even later to do some movie shoot standby. It might have been fun had I not been sleep deprived from the night before, and the fact that I had to wake up at 5:30 the next morning to go back to work, and when they told me to do it it was approaching midnight. I backed out, and someone else took it for me. Thank goodness. I don't think they would want me in public in the bad mood I was in. Probably wouldn't look so good for the company's public image.

But I have no right to complain. There are far worse things in life than having to work a lot, and that's a fate most people find themselves in anyways. So at least I'm not alone.

2007-07-10T19:55:00.000-07:00

I started reading Velvet Elvis. In one section the author Rob Bell talks about questions and how it's good to question things. To wrestle and test things to find out what's really true. It made me think about the questions I have. About all the things that I've been taught are a certain way, and that I believe in my heart to be true, but that I haven't seen proof of in my own life.

Take for example healing. I don't understand why God doesn't do it. I've heard stories of him doing it. I've talked to people who know others who have been healed. But why is it whenever I pray for someone I know to be healed, instead of fixing them and restoring their body, God gives them this lame half-assed sort of fix that makes you think they're healed only to fade later with time. It's almost like being taunted. I know that that's not in God's personality, so then why the maybe's and perhaps, when instead it would be easier if he just said: "NO. It's not going to happen, stop waiting on a miracle that won't come."

Sometimes it's so hard to believe that God is omnipotent.

I guess that's where faith is supposed to come in.

2007-07-07T01:44:00.000-07:00

So here's my latest thoughts on life.

I am a selfish being. After all God has done for me, I am unwilling to do anything for him unless it benefits me in some way.

And also, I hate not being in control. So I don't trust God about things that I should, because I'm scared that if I really give it to Him, he'll just take it away, probably because I should have let Him be in control of it in the first place. He keeps teaching me that everything is ALWAYS better when it's organized by Him, and yet... it doesn't sink into this thick skull of mine because He keeps having to explain to me over and over and over again.

Ahh life and humankind.

Happy Birthday MD

2007-06-18T19:03:00.000-07:00

If any of you missed the memo, it was MD Ambulance's 30th Anniversary this past friday. Yours truly was in the newspaper too. What can I say, I'm kind of a big deal.

Who knew seagulls actually were useful birds? There was a pack of them that hung out on the street in front of our house for the past couple weeks, and I'm pretty sure they were eating all of those disgusting worms that fall on you, or swing into you as you attempt to walk anywhere in this plagued city. I was impressed to find out that seagulls were doing something good for once. Of course, they did also take a huge crap on our front door, so that sort of negated what good they were doing.

But to prove that I was right to my roommate and that there are seagulls with black heads. Take a look at this Ang. They are called ocracoke seagulls. HA! Heather one. Mrs.Doubty Pants zero.

I don't know how that speaker ended up in pieces. Honest.

2007-06-04T20:49:00.000-07:00

Seven hours down. Just two more to go...
Need to stop watching the clock slowly tick in circles. I swear that last minute was the longest of my life.

I'm working nine hour shifts for five consecutive days this week at the Mitchell's meat packing plant, where if you're really lucky you get to give someone a bandaid or some aspirin. No such luck today. The only person I've seen in these past AGONIZING hours has been one gentleman who asked me for a pen. Woot. I suppose I shouldn't complain, after all I am getting paid very well to do nothing but play on a computer, read my book, and see how many sudoko puzzles I can complete. But for someone who finds joy and energy in being in the presence of friends, this week is really going to drag, seeing as everyone I know works days, and after all - who's going to want to hang out after midnight? Maybe I could "accidentally" wake up my roommates every night when I get home...

I have noticed some things - being in square room by yourself for this long will do that to you. Radio stations repeat songs A LOT. Not only that, but they repeat CRAPPY songs. If I hear Avril singing about how someone needs a new girlfriend one more time there's going to be a stereo shaped hole in the wall across from me. And also, that working in an all guy environment is very daunting. I ventured out of the health center to try and see a new patch of walls before I started rocking back and forth and singing to myself, and ran right into a posse of men who proceeded to stare as I walked by without saying anything. You'd swear they'd never seen a female before by their behaviour.

And lastly there is no sound more irritating to the mind than that of ceaseless, incessant dripping of water through a pipe. Trust me, I know. I've been hearing it for 425 minutes straight. No wait... now it's 426.

Twitch. Twitch.

I'm A Sausage. Eat Me.

2007-06-01T14:31:00.000-07:00

I've decided I don't ever want to have children. I came to this conclusion after seeing a baby born at work. Blech. I will spare you the gory details.

In other news, I had my 21st Birthday a couple days ago and it was the best birthday I've ever had. It pretty much took up the whole weekend. On Saturday I woke up with someone banging on my window and opened my blind to see my sister waving at me. (She lives in Edmonton, that's why this was abnormal). Then we went over to my parents' house where my mom fed me full of killer french toast until I swore I was going to have to buy new jeans. I had to work that whole day sadly, but it was only a stand-by of races at bridge city so they came along and we waved at each other from across the track. About halfway through I took a desperate attempt to see them and bolted across the racetrack in between some of the races. Most terrifying experience ever. Plus once I was over there I was worried I wouldn't be able to get back to my partner and the ambulance.
Then on Sunday a couple friends took me out for a scavenger hunt (I met a nice German boy named Johannes). My one roommate kept telling me that she had tried to plan a party but no one was able to make it. I thought this was odd, but smothered my disappointment and tried to be understanding. Then we came back to our place to hang out when I noticed some familiar cars parked outside. Once we went in, sitting in our living room were about 15 people. It was amazing. We ate cake and played an intense game of cranium (which my team SHOULD have one because it was my Birthday).
Anyways, I am attempting to make you all jealous because your Birthdays weren't that good, and they'll never be that good, and I hope I succeeded. I think I won't need another party until I turn 50, this one will last that long.

Exhale...

2007-05-15T08:09:00.000-07:00

How quickly I forget how important church is; But after missing it for 3 weeks, this past Sunday I dragged myself there - exhausted from working since 3am and running on two hours of sleep, hungry, and grouchy - and came out feeling... better. Happier and fuller. Like someone had just opened my head and poured in another month's worth of vital fluids.
I don't think that's the best way to go to church. Despite my best efforts to convince myself, I just can't believe that church is meant for ME to feel better. However, sometimes it does just that.
Whether it was a soft conclusion to a crappy week, or the start of a better one I'm not sure (probably a combination of both). But I've felt more at peace and content since I stumbled half asleep into the service on sunday morning and let Riley's words of wisdom wash over me while I sucked down a juicebox. Sometimes I get so caught up in having to do things. Achieve something, strive towards a goal, serve, assist, be passionate, grow, build up relationships. Anything and everything that I fill my life with. That I forget it all starts with me just showing up.

Breakfast Surprise

2007-05-07T15:53:00.000-07:00

So I was eating my cheerios this morning, when all of a sudden I had this wierd feeling in my mouth. It took me a while to realize what it was - one of the balls on my tongue piercing had fallen off and so the bar was sliding around. (If any of you have ever pierced your tongue you know what that feels like, it's a very odd sensation). Anyways, so a quick inspection with my tongue showed me the ball was not in my mouth. I quickly drained the rest of my cheerio milk into the sink and inspected my bowl. No ball there either. The only other available option was that I had swallowed it along with a mouthful of cereal. I guess those things are small enough to swallow without noticing. Have to admit I had a good chuckle about it. If I get nasty stomach aches over the next couple of days I'll know why.

Organized Chaos

2007-04-29T12:12:00.000-07:00

We did our disaster training a couple days ago. They used an elementary school that's being torn down to simulate a building collapse. It was an amazing way to learn, and I can't believe how in depth they go. The police and Fire Department worked with us. Police making sure no one tried to get into the building, Fire going in and smashing walls to rescue people and bringing us our patients who we in turn treated and took to a hospital, where the staff there practiced how to manage getting that many patients at once and triaging them all. They get dozens of volunteers for these things, all dressed up in makeup to make it look like they have actual cuts and bruises. One of my patients even had fake glass embedded in his face.
When we first arrived it was a little bit rough, everyone was trying to figure out things, and my partner disappeared after the first 30 seconds because he was chosen to be the transportation officer. (It's a terrible feeling losing your partner. I stood stock still for a good two minutes before I could think of something to do). Afterwards when all the patients had been cleared to the hospital we got to put on some hard hats and walk around. It was exciting, seeing all the spray paint markers used to identify unstable walls, or to see the huge gaping holes the fireman had made trying to get into certain locked rooms. Plus it was very dark because the power was off, and there was water everywhere because the firemen had a simulation fire they had to put out in one area. I would like to point out that no EMS workers or volunteers were injured during this exercise.

But I learned some valuable lessons that day.
#1)You can fit 7 paramedics in one ambulance.
#2)Never assume anything from a patient. Even though he has gray hair and wrinkles and bifocals doesn't mean he's a senior citizen. He instead, could be an 11yr old boy.
#3)You can study and memorize and gain experience, but nothing will ever prepare you for an actual disaster. Let's pray one never happens here, or if it does, that all of us who are responsible for the victims are in the right frame of mind to react appropriately and work to the best of our abilities.

For Your Viewing Pleasure

2007-04-15T18:19:00.000-07:00

Our new space station. Complete with space pods 1, 2 and 3.

Batman has left the building.

2007-04-13T16:01:00.000-07:00

At last. After many phone calls, house visits, and rejections, I officially have a place to move into. I being me and two friggen awesome roomates!! That's right. Welcome to the party house - Where the fun just never ends. Hey that should be our slogan. Plus we have an open door policy (that hasn't been okayed by all my roomates, but I'm just gunna assume I've got the go ahead) so I expect all you people out there to visit. Except you of course Erika, at least that is until you're back on Canadian soil. Then I expect you every weekend! WOOHOO!
It'll be nice to get some independence, however, not gunna lie, I will be coming home regularly due to my disastrous results every time I enter a kitchen, and that me and my mom have a pajama party/pride and prejudice date.
Having roommates will definitely be different. Do you think they'll mind when I play my trombone at 3 in the morning? Or if I do my Neil Diamond impression in the shower?

Wanted:

2007-03-20T22:21:00.000-07:00

One female mentor. Preferably over the age of 25, of strong faith, who loves God; willing to give up 1-2 hours a week to help younger female with questions about the Bible, Christ and life in general.

It occured to me tonight, as only a sudden revelation can-conversing with a good friend over coffee, fattening but well worth it desserts, and an abandonded scrabble game-that there are years of experiences, growth, struggles, and epiphanies wasting away when they could be passed on to people like me. People who are in desperate want and need of guidance.

I am surrounded by women that I admire and look up to, women who have dedicated their lives to something that I believe so strongly in that everything else seems dull in comparison. But even though I am surrounded by them, it feels like I'm watching from a distance, attempting to learn through them merely by looking at them. Instead, I should be engaging in powerful conversations about subjects I don't understand, and seeking advice about the parts of life that I am merely crawling through when I should be flat out running. The truth is that I want them to be a bigger part of my life. I want them to tell me their life histories, so that I can know how they came to be where they are today. I want them to help me, to guide me, so that I can no longer be a child, but a woman of God. So that I can have even a piece of the gentle and quiet spirit that Christ finds so elegant and beautiful in us.

And I know I'm not alone. I know this because my friend told me she's been thinking the same thing, and she's not the first one to have said so. It made me think about all the girls and boys in the world wanting someone to give them a push or a direction as they try to find Christ in amongst the screaming voices of the world. Think how many young men and women are out there craving a deeper more meaningful relationship with the Christians around them that they respect and appreciate. Think how those horrendous, four, long high school years could have improved with a mentoring relationship to carry you through. I've been blessed with many close friendships, and while we have had discussions too numerous to count about our latest hurdle in life and our newest confusions, there's something that's even more valuable when that conversation comes from someone older than yourself. Someone who has already made the journey through those years.

The worst part is, how do you find such a thing as a mentor? I see potentials everywhere but I'm too afraid to ask. I don't know how to ask. And furthermore, it feels almost selfish on my part to ask them to be inconvenienced in having to give up some of their time-which in our day and age seems to be the most valuable thing we've got. It is a terrible loss though, that all that knowledge and wisdom should be kept to oneself.

Official Update

2007-03-13T16:59:00.000-07:00

Wow it's been a while. The reason for my lack of blogging has been an increase in work and a lack of change. There really isnt much to write as of late. However! Fear not, I have managed to collect the following exiting items of news. (I say fear not because I'm sure there's this intense terror rolling around everyone at not having heard the latest meaningless details of my life).

I am officially driving for the Juno's! Which means there is a possibility that I could be escorting celebrities around saskatoon. I'm not sure if I'll be driving Nelly Furtado or some sound equipment, but I received an email telling me not to under any circumstances ask the famous people for their autograph, so I'm thinking there's a chance. Jokes on them tho, they think I'm a professional driver. HA!

I discovered while working with one of my favorite paramedics (yes I have my favorites) that some of the ambulances have an option to make the siren sound like the british ones. If you heard an ambulance driving around downtown blaring a European siren, I was most definitely riding in it, laughing hysterically, and no don't confusing the locals trying to get out of our way.

I am learning that there is a fine line between self esteem and arrogance. Is it alright for me to feel proud of myself after doing a call to the best of my abilities? Or is that wrong, considering my success comes from Christ? That's an open question to anyone who wants to answer it. I know there's a boundary in there somewhere I need to find, I'm just not sure where it is. Speaking of being proud of myself, however, I recently got a 23/25 on an advanced life support test. Which basically means I did good on a test that is meant for those with higher training then myself, like paramedics and EMT-A's. Okay, that there might have been pure arrogance.

And I am absolutely loving this beautiful weather, even if the potholes make me have to drive 10km everywhere for fear that my muffler will fall off. It's been so long since we could drive with our windows open. I think in winter you forget what fresh air is like.

I'm IT

2007-02-21T22:57:00.000-08:00

Wow that sentence sounds way more obnoxious than I intended it. So apparently Patti tagged me in some wierd internet copy of one of my favorite childhood games. But seeing as I have a secret fetish for top 5's, I couldn't pass up on the opportunity. I decided to do my own version of this toilet tag, or whatever we're calling it. Here Goes!

Top 5 Random facts Heather found on Google:
1) The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottles represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.
2) Cats sleep 16 to 18 hours per day.
3) It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear.
4) When you die your hair still grows for a couple of months.
5) The word "nerd" was first coined by Dr. Seuss in "If I Ran the Zoo."

Hope you learned something new and exciting. Drat! now I have to tag someone else apparently...
I choose Kim Isaak and Jason Chadney. You are officially IT.

Pictures!

2007-02-19T22:50:00.000-08:00

Okay so I'm a little out of date for posting these, but oh well. And I would like to take this time to give a shout out to my good friend Erika. These are for you little buddy! (I realized when I was showing my pictures to my parents, that I took a lot of pictures of things that had huge long stories to them that they wouldn't understand. Then when I tried to explain it to them they just looked lost. Take for example, the cactus. Hahaha.)

This is a picture of my first night in Tokyo by myself, where I sat for two hours freezing, tired and starving, and too scared to talk to anyone, while I waited for the night bus to come and take me to Erika. Nearby there was a band playing with a keyboard, guitars, and even a trumpet and a saxaphone.

Walking to the church where Erika teaches English sometimes. The snow there was just soggy. Even their snow shovels have holes in them because there's so much water.

Shibuya: The busiest intersection in the world. This picture doesn't even do it justice.

Crepes! Drool... So amazing. Especially those ones in the picture, they had ice cream and bananas and chocolate and a whole bunch of other things I can't even remember.

An older part of Tokyo called Asuksa, where Erika and I went with Yoshiko.

Okonomiaki! (I think that's how it's spelt...) It means "As you like it." Basically you pick your ingredients and mix them all up with mayonaise and some other sauces and then you cook it like a pancake on a grill in the center of your table. I picked the one Erika's holding with the squid and shrimp and tentacles sticking out of it. I was in an adventurous mood. The woman in the second picture is Yuki (yet again I hope I spelt that right).

Candy festival in Odate. Would've been a lot more enjoyable if people weren't openly staring and pointing at us. Then some random guy who spat a lot when he talked, came up to us an announced loud enough for the entire world to hear that he: "SPOKE ENGLISH!" When we were posing for the picture below, I swear everyone in the vacinity was watching us.

Snow festival in Hirosaki. It was only -3 that day but we just about froze.

More of the snow festival. That's a castle in the background, it even had a moat and everything. Whoever put Heather on the tallest part of the bridge clearly wasn't thinking. I'm not even standing to my full height and I'm still just about blocking the castle! These are all of us who went, except Erika who is taking the picture.

From left to right: Me, Keiko, Fumiko, Haruki (I can neither say nor spell his name), Kaila, and Atsuko.

Phew. I finished. Well almost... this last one's just for fun.

Konichiwa

2007-01-30T22:01:00.000-08:00

I was going to write a big funny story with various witty comments right here, but I just realized I'm in Japan and I have better things to do.

This is a notice to inform my faithful readers-or my one faithful reader (yay mom!) that I am in Takanosu, Japan. I will see you all when I get back-Feb 14th at 11:30pm (that's a hint that you should come to the aiport, it'll be fun I swear. I'll pay you with a present from Tokyo if you come).

Take care guys, and I'll see you soon.

Contemplations of the Nocturnal Mind

2007-01-16T22:31:00.000-08:00

The world is a different place at night. There's something about after hours; something about being awake in a house full of sleeping people; or going through the motions at work when the world seems to have shut down; that makes you think about your life a lot more. It's like time slows down at night. There's not as many distractions, so your thoughts suddenly start to get louder.

During these past weeks of night shifts, I've thought through everything it seems. I've pondered issues of morality and personal values. Friendship, sacrifice and service. The appropriate steps to decision making (Which, in the end, leave you unsatisfied with a headache of mixed signals). And personal flaws and short comings.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about church. And I don't mean about those big buildings with crosses on them and signs out the front lawn, but what church really is. About what it means to be a part of church. About commitement to churches. About what church is really supposed to be, and what it has become. About all my muddled memories of church, colliding and breaking into each other to give me a lopsided sort of collage, with no real center or focus to it.

The thing about church that keeps striking me over and over again, is that it is not about me. It's not about if I feel good going to church. It's not about me getting some slice of satisfaction every sunday morning. It's not about how much I got into the worship, or how much I learned. Church is an opportunity for me to set aside the selfishness and greed that has been running my life the other 6 days and give something instead. It's a chance to draw closer with my second family around me in service.

I am torn between two churches. Torn between my own values and what I know to be true. I don't want to be a person that hops from one church to another, looking for some particular type of church that I want, and leaving whenever things aren't done to my specifications. And yet I also want to be useful.

Can you be a part of more than one church without merely drifting? Aren't we all, as family, connected anyway, regardless of which building we file into Sunday morning?

Why do we have this unspoken demand for commitement and membership?

But maybe, the reason I sit at night analyzing "church", is because it's easier than thinking about the fact that this whole internal dilemma might just be because I feel guilty. The kind of guilt you feel when you've let down someone you love, or taken the easy road when the right road got too steep.

I Spy With My Little Eye... Nothing but White

2007-01-10T13:32:00.000-08:00

Holy cow in a windstorm Batman! I don't think I've ever experienced weather like this. It is absolutely awesome. Not only has it caused me to be reminded of just how majestic God is but also that people aren't as bad as I sometimes think they are.

On the ride home with my Dad (which took an hour and 45 minutes instead of the usual 15) cars were getting stuck trying to get off the College Dr. bridge. I watched as a group of 4 individuals pushed one car out of the snow, then preceeded to walk back and push the next one. Then they pushed us. I'm assuming they pushed many people behind us as well. I don't know how long they were out there, but I was thoroughly impressed with their efforts. If I was in the same position I think I would've slipped away so I could go home and sit in my PJ's and drink hot chocolate.

If I Ruled the World

2007-01-01T13:38:00.000-08:00

Let's take a hypothetical road trip into what things would be like if I was supreme ruler of planet earth...

1. Women and men would only be photographed in a way that showed they had some self respect. Girls would not be allowed to be photographed wearing anything less than a T-shirt and board shorts.
2. Drunk drivers would be sentenced to a minimum of 10 years and their driver's license would be revoked permanently on the first offence.
3. The focus on reading would be huge in elementary school. Private tutors would be assigned to kids who have trouble reading.
4. Math would no longer be needed for anything. Ok, well we'd limit it to simple multiplication and division, adding and subtracting. That's all I can do, so I'm forcing everyone to be at my level. Supreme ruler Heather doesn't like to be less smart than anyone else.
5. Convicts would work off their time by building stuff. They'd fix up dilapitated houses and construct sketchy overpasses...
6. School buses would be declared officially to be the color ORANGE!
7. There would be a limit on how many people can go to one church. Once you reach the 200 mark we split you up into two groups and move one group to a new location. We can all get together every month, but other than that we're not allowed to congregate and hide in our buildings.
8. Countries' debts would be completely eliminated, and everyone would be allowed to start fresh. There would be equal trading for any place in the world.
9. All the cars in the world would be turned into extravagant planters and the only available mode of transportation would be airplane, train, bike, skateboard, rollerblades, and feet. And possibly mopeds.
10. Styrofoam would be illegal. Recycling plants would be set up in every city. People will get fined to community service for not composting.
11. Commercials on TV would be limited to 5 minutes per hour. Bilboards would be taken down, public advertising of products would be forbidden.
12. You must be 18 years of age to get a cell phone and be able to say at least one sentence without the word "like"
13. Walmart would be sued and shut down.
14. Dancing would be a mandatory event three times a day.
15. Santa would be exposed as the lie and fraud that he is and anything bearing his image would be burned. That's right I said burned.
16. Politicians would get paid a lot less.
17. Our national sport would be hockey.
18. Everyone would have free healthcare. I have an unlimited budget as supreme ruler, so you don't have to worry about us running out of money and being bankrupt.
19. If someone has a problem with someone else they put on a helmet and duke it out like men. No more hiding behind weapons. We can even set up official duelling sites for people with padded walls so they can settle their differences.
20. The elderly will be the most respected of all people. Growing old will be seen as exciting and desirable. Young children will flock to richly furnished and comfortable nursing homes with no understaffing problems to hear seniors tell stories and to play backgammon.

Ahh that was fun. We should do that again sometime. I rather like this image of being in complete control, I have to be careful I don't let it go to my head.

Black White and Gray

2006-12-28T14:26:00.000-08:00

I recently discovered that I'm fuzzy on a lot of the details of my faith. I went to a Catholic elementary school, and I've been a part of churches ranging from Presbyterian involved in occult to extreme Pentecostal; and from Lutheran, to a small group of 15 people meeting in a school music room. I've seen firsthand what can go wrong with churches, and I've seen what can go right. I've learned so much from my different experiences in churches, but it's also kind of screwed me over because every denomination will teach you something different. It makes me wonder why we argue about details so much. I mean if God wanted everything to be black and white, I think he would've made the Bible a lot more specific.

Bleed Blue . . . or red

2006-12-17T13:27:00.000-08:00

I went to a blades game with work this saturday. It was for their yearly charity event where people chuck stuff on the ice when the blades score their first goal and we go out, pick the stuff up and pack it in an ambulance to give to children. It made me realize again how blessed I am to have my job. There are so many opportunities to get involved in Saskatoon within my work. I got to see a free hockey game (the blades won in a shoot out if you're wondering) eat free food and hang out with my coworkers who never fail to make me laugh. I don't know what was funnier, one employee's facial expression when he saw the blade's had scored and he was still holding a plate full of his supper; another guy throwing out his 50/50 draw ticket before they called the numbers and having to dig it out of the garbage; or all of us attempting to look professional on the ice when every one of us was thinking: "Please God don't let me slip and fall!" And for the record no one did, not even yours truly Clutzy McClutzerton.

Just because you have a 4x4 doesn't mean you can stop on a dime on sheer ice.

2006-12-05T15:43:00.000-08:00

In the words of Jack Johnson: "Slow down everyone, you're moving too fast."
In nine days of working EMS, I've been to six car accidents. I thought about that statistic and came to a conclusion. We are all in too much of a hurry. We drive everywhere like the roads are dry pavement and we are on the highway and we are extremely late. What's the rush? Is it just Christmas that brings this frenzied madness to do everything twice as fast, or are people like this all year round? Whatever it is, people need to learn to take things slow and treasure what's really important. Because if the head on collision doesn't kill you, the high blood pressure and heart attack you're about to give yourself will definitely do the job.
Christmas is so warped. This is supposed to be a holiday to remember how we became free, and we spend the time spending money in over crowded shopping malls, spoiling bratty children, and freaking out over exams. Anyways, I didn't mean to start preaching. Just, next time you're in a hurry, think if what you're going to is really worth your life. It's bad enough going to car accidents that could've easily been prevented without it being someone I know.

I digress...

2006-11-30T12:26:00.000-08:00

My preceptor at work likes to ask questions. In the dead of night, standing outside the ambulance base smoking cigars with frozen fingers and a face so numb I developed a slurred speech to rival any alcoholic; he brought about an abrupt change in topic. He asked me if I had ever worked in a job that was predominantly males, and after I said no, preceeded to warn me that I was going to have to get used to vulgar and unrefined behaviour. I didn't think much of it at the time, but by the eleventh hour of our shift, where I somehow ended up in a circle of five men talking about vasectomies, boobs, and just sex in general, I thought back to my preceptor's comment about bracing myself for the worst. I don't want to give a bad impression of the guys I work with, they are some of the most compassionate and welcoming men I've ever met, and I've seen them work and they are amazing at what they do. They are for the most part, average males, and there has been more than one occasion in my life where I would rather hang out with a bunch of guys talking about things that make me uncomfortable, then a bunch of girls whose complete lack of self esteem spreads depression like a disease. But that's another blog for another time. Back to the point at hand, and to summarize. My new work environment will take some getting used to, and while I love my coworkers, sometimes I wish they would talk about something normal. Like food. The differences between males and females is really quite funny. As girls we talk about our feelings, about our emotions and we communicate through words and physical touch. I've come to the conclusion that guys communicate in a completely different way, thats's why us women don't understand them. They seem to show they care about each other by merely being in the same room, talking about sex and girls, and doing stupid things like riding bikes down steep cliffs or seeing who can do the most damage with their fists. Maybe I got that wrong, but it seems to make sense.

Choose A or Choose B - Either way you're really choosing C

2006-11-23T14:44:00.000-08:00

Ok so here's my latest thought. Free will. Basically I don't understand the concept. There was a time when I thought I did, but that time has come and gone. Bear with me while I attempt to explain this conundrum.

Let's flip back in our story books to Exodus 4:21. The Israelites are captive in Egypt and good old Moses is being given instructions on what to do when he visits Pharoah.
The Lord said to Moses, "When you return to Egypt, see that you perform before Pharoah all the wonders I have given
you the power to do. But I will harden his heart so that he will not let the people go."
Ok so how is that possible. If God was changing Pharoah's heart so that he would refuse to let the Israelites go, then it was no longer Pharoah who was making the decision it was God making it for him. To me this means that Pharoah did not have free will, it was taken away so God could show his power and make a point. This gives me such a warped and twisted picture of God it's unnerving. Nothing I know or have experienced with God has shown him to be manipulating me like a marianette. So why this story of ultimate control? I know that God is sovereign and that he has no boundaries, so where is the balance between him and us? If he is in control, then am I really making my own choices? Perhaps we are given free will in only one decision, the choice of following God or turning away and everything else he just takes over. Perhaps I can merely disregard this account by saying that the real meaning of God's words have been lost in translation, but then I've punched holes in the Bible with an excuse that is unreasonable and very flimsy. I understand that I have the choice of deliberately surrendering my control and free will to God, because I trust him to do what is best for me, but Pharoah doesn't fit into that. Pharoah didn't follow God, he had his own set of beliefs to follow. So where does he fit in? Do only those who have a relationship with God get to make their own decisions? Do only Christians have free will?

Eastside 10-90

2006-11-19T19:44:00.000-08:00

21 hundred hours. Eyes bloodshot and sore. Staring at this computer screen while my mind runs in circles over the events of these past couple days. I think the emotion cord of my brain got mysteriously disconnected as I've been neutral and void of any real feelings lately. I'm not sure if I'm trying to protect myself from getting scarred or just naturally insensitive. Maybe it's a little bit of both. I remember being a student and working with all these paramedics and EMT's that were so confident and secure in what they were doing. I remember thinking that I couldn't wait to get a job and be like that. No longer uncertain. My prediction- it'll take me a year. In a year to a year and a half I will be off probation, considered a competent employee and presented with my applets. One silver stripe on each shoulder to show my rank and position. I think when that happens, then I will feel like those employees do. Then I will show up to work with a pulse rate that isn't in the hundreds.

It's hard to run a race when you're holding on to your luggage

2006-11-17T16:00:00.000-08:00

I don't understand how people can live without Christ. My mind honestly cannot grasp how it is possible to find any form of meaning or purpose to life without the love of God. My knowledge of life without Christ is pretty much non existent as I was fortunate to grow up with two parents who both had to live through it, and so protected me through prayer from going my own way. But when I talk to my friends who don't believe in Jesus, I am completely blown away by how they survive. All around me, all I see are people falling deeply into depression. When I was on my practicum we picked up patient after patient taking anti-depressants or alcohol or drugs. Things to try and take away the pain, the emptiness, and the sorrow inside. When I went to Bible school, a place I assumed would be full of people that knew what it was to be loved by God, there were 4 students taking anti-depressants. Two had tried to killed themselves previously, one took to cutting her arms. Two had had eating disorders, two others had weekly visits with a therapist, one couple had a pregnancy scare, and three students were kicked out of the school for inappropriate behaviour. This was in a class of just over twenty. These were from the people I saw as "Christians." I remember thinking to myself that if this was how we lived, then how could the rest of the world possibly know what joy and peace was.
It makes me think about how we do things inside the church. How we assume everyone who comes to church is automatically a "Christian." But I'm guessing, by the sorrow and the deteriorating lifestyles of my classmates, and by the attitudes I see in churches around me, that most of us who call ourselves "followers of Christ" don't even know what that phrase means anymore, because if we truly did we wouldn't be carrying all this baggage around. After all, Jesus even told us that his yoke is easy and his burden is light.

Hell Phones

2006-11-08T15:54:00.000-08:00

I have betrayed myself.

I always vowed, with stubborn determination, that I would never EVER get a cell phone. But alas, it seems I too have fallen into this world of being forever chained to people who want to reach me. In my defence, however, it was necessary for my job to buy a cellphone. After all, it would hardly be fair to call my house at 3 in the morning and wake up 4 other people, merely to let me know that I have to go into work. I can attempt to make myself feel better by justifying it that way, but it still stings of hypocrisy. The worst part of cellphones is that as soon as you've got one, this instant dependence rises up. I mean they practically give you the phone for free and they give you all these unlimited minutes for the first month so that you can get yourself nice and addicted to calling people for ridiculous and unnecessary reasons. I keep checking it every 2 minutes hoping someone has phoned me just so I can check their message, or checking and rechecking the volume to make sure I can hear it. Heaven forbid someone would call and I would miss a perfect opportunity to interrupt everyone around me and say: "Excuse me one moment, I have to take this."

What have I become!! Soon I will be spending hundreds of dollars every week on clothes and starting every sentence with: "Like totally!" I'll be having my phone ring in the middle of the movie theater, during meetings, while someone is trying to have an in depth conversation about how much they hate life! I'll make the cashier at the grocery store and the people in line behind me stand around waiting while I finish my conversation, or driving like a maniac oblivious to everyone because I am talking on my phone!

I should be careful. It's not that I'm saying ALL people who own a cellphone are obnoxious and inconsiderate and COMPLETELY dangerous, just the ones that I've met have been.

Treadmill Dance

2006-10-26T23:13:00.000-07:00

This is officially the best video of all time. These guys are ingenious, and pretty much my heroes.

Click here to watch.

Settling Down in Uncertainty

2006-10-24T09:20:00.000-07:00

As much as I don't enjoy my current job knowing that I have a career waiting for me and I'm merely biding my time until my two weeks are up, I am going to miss the people I work with. A bunch of us from work went to the Yard and Flagon one night (who knew the Yard had live performances?) and hung out. What an awesome bunch of people they are. We spent most of the night discussing music and the amazing bands that we love, then when it was over they walked me to my car to make sure I didn't get stabbed. Granted, my car was parked right outside the front doors, but nonetheless! They still made sure I got to it safely. It's interesting, looking back on all the different jobs I've had and how many people I've come to know through work. It seems even with a short employment I meet people I really want to get to know better. It makes me excited to have a job for longer than a couple months. I've never worked at one place for several years, and it will be nice to sit still for a while and let some real friendships start to grow.

Here Come the Capital Letters

2006-10-20T18:44:00.000-07:00

I GOT THE JOB!! I'M GOING TO BE AN EMT IN SASKATOON! I HAVE A CAREER!!

God is so good. Who would have thunk that he would give me everything I ever wanted. When I told my mom that I got the job she said: "That's a miracle!" I thought about it later, and I realized just how right she was. It is a miracle. When you consider the insurmountable odds that I WOULDN'T get hired. Now I think I understand the verse that says: Nothing is impossible with God.

The Waiting Game Sucks

2006-10-18T15:37:00.000-07:00

What a week. These past three days have been the longest of my life. It feels like an entire month has passed filled with anxiety and stress. The worst part is that it's not over yet. Three parts down and the final act is left. So far I have written an exam, carried 120 pounds up two flights of stairs walking both forwards and backwards, done three scenarios in front of a panel of intimidating judges, and passed them all. All that remains is the interview. Dun dun dun.

But when It all comes down to it, job or no job, this week has been amazing. I've never needed God more, and I've never had him feel more close. He has been faithful and carried me through every step of this process. If, after all of this, I still don't have a job I think I'll be ok with that, because I wouldn't have traded this week for anything else.

"Draw near to God and he will draw near to you." -James 4:8

Sinus Rhythm with PVC's and a BP Cuff

2006-10-12T16:47:00.000-07:00

I forgot how much I missed EMT school. On Tuesday morning I returned to SIAST to watch the students there perform scenarios. It was exciting seeing how early on in their course they were, and being the one who knew so much more and being baraged by their questions about the course and practicum. It was also nerve wracking however, as it brought on waves of panic as I realized all the small details I had forgotten over the months. When I went to take a blood pressure I had a fleeting moment where I wasn't sure if I would remember how to do it. Then when we had to lift the stretcher I had to think through what I was doing. Suffice to say, I didn't do it entirely correctly as my back was sore afterwards. Arg, the things you think will always be second nature just sort of slide away into forgetfullness.

Everyone has been very positve when I tell them about next week and the hiring process. They say things like: "I'm sure you'll get it," or: "I know you'll do well." The encouragment is incredibly uplifting but I know that I must be real with myself. There are only 4 available jobs and most likely more than 30 applicants, most of which will have more experience than me. Even with the aspect that I have Christ working behind the scenes for me, the possibility of getting a job is still only slightly less than bleak.

Cornucopia of Plenty

2006-10-06T19:55:00.000-07:00

I love thanksgiving. And no I don't mean giving my thanks, I mean lumping me and my family at a table laden with the richest foods of the whole year! I am so stoked to fill myself with turkey and gravy, mashed potatoes, stuffing and pumpking pie. I love the feeling you get afterwards, where the turkey makes you all drowsy and you're just all warm and content and your stomach is just cram packed with food. Plus there's something about this time of year that just makes you realize how beautiful God's creation is. When I bike to work every day all these yellow and orange leaves fall out of the trees, making a sort of leaf-rain. It's captivating really.

Happy thanksgiving everyone! Hope you are not all shipping off to Regina to see the Rolling Stones. :)

I Am A Material Girl Living In A Material World

2006-09-12T14:57:00.000-07:00

I hate shopping malls. And this isn't an exaggeration, I do actually loathe them. I detest them. When I go into a shopping mall part of me dies inside and another part starts screaming, "GET OUT! GET OUT! WHILE YOU STILL HAVE TIME!" Malls are the physical object of materialism. Inside people crowd around trying to buy more things to make themselves feel less empty inside. Everyone tries to get their hands on the newest stuff so they can fill their houses with it, stuff it in their cars, so they can wear it around and jack up their social status. Its like they're trying to find confidence and self worth and meaning hanging on a coat hanger in some clothing store. I think seeing the girls in shopping malls bothers me the most, because there is always that possibility that I could become one-just another walking bilboard spending thousands and thousands of meaningless dollars to try and hopelessly keep up with the fashion industry. It's like shopping for your image. You can buy a certain projection of yourself that you want others to see. And it's addicting. That's the worst part, every time I enter a mall there's that part of me that wants to buy buy BUY. There's the part that listens to the advertising and thinks: "I need new jeans. I need to start buying those shirts cuz everyone else is wearing them. I should spend more money..." Malls are exhausting. It's like a war against your mind. It's like trying to hold on to this thin thread of reason that exists in the outside world. It's like having your identity shrivel up because there's about 8 million subliminal messages that are telling you to conform. Next time you're at the mall look for them, because they're there, I'm not making this up. And the next time the mall tells you you need to buy new clothes RUN AWAY! and go wear some clothes you've owned for 3 years. Trust me, you'll feel much better.

bRInG OuT tHe gONgS

2006-09-01T18:09:00.000-07:00

I don't think I'm cut out for the food service industry. I recently got hired at Alexander's as a hostess. You would think that's a pretty straight forward job, and I assumed I would fare much better than I did at waitressing (many a dish was broken, I think I broke 5 in one day once). Well everything went really well on my first shift, but today as I was removing a giant tray of salsa from the cooler I managed to get a HUGE red stain all across my chestal region. I just happened to be wearing a white shirt. Panicking, I used a cloth and mopped myself off, and I actually succeeded in making the shirt white again. The downside was that it was now decorated with a big wet patch. I tried frantically to dry it but we all know that's impossible and you just have to wait it out. As I left the kitchen I had a fleeting hope that maybe no one would notice. HA! Maybe 3 seconds later one of the servers asked me if I had had some sort of accident.

Sigh. It's inevitable. And it doesn't help that these sort of accidents run in my family. I mean my mom broke her wrist by a garage wall hitting her, so what chance do I have?

Bye Bye Gilligan. You and Your Stupid Island.

2006-08-23T16:26:00.000-07:00

So long Lost, hello Prison Break. I have a new favorite TV show. I used to be addicted to Lost, it was amazing at having twisted and unexpected plotlines and episodes that left you hanging. But then I began to realize the writers were just making stuff up as they went along and I know it's only a matter of time before they run out of ideas and the show gets lamer and lamer. But Prison Break!! That's a whole other story. That show will not be running for very long because there's only so much you can do with guys running from prison, but at least it has some form of direction to it. At least I don't have to follow 8000 different story lines with 8000 questions that will never get answered because there aren't any answers! Anyone who wants to fight me on that go ahead and try. I can take you all!!
Seriously though, you want to be glued to the TV screen, then watch the first season of Prison Break. It'll blow your mind. At least as much as a television show can. Here, I've kindly included a link so you can watch the first episode. If you're not hooked within the first 10 minutes then I can't help you.

Prison Break

My Bear Escapade

2006-08-13T12:11:00.000-07:00

I find dreams particularly entriguing. I dream almost every night, but usually when I awake there is only a vague knowledge of having dreamt something, but no memory of what it was. But every once in a while my subconscious surprises me by giving me a dream that is so elaborate and detailed that it seems like it came from someone else. I've had dreams that were so in depth I could write an award winning novel on it.
Last night I had one of these interesting dreams. It wasn't quite best seller quality, but still neat to think about.

I was, for some unknown reason, staying on the side of a mountain in a wierd building with a long hallway full of plain brown doors, each one the same as the next. I remember I was leaving the hallway, which opened directly into a path down the mountain with a bunch of friends. I say friends because that's what they seemed like, although I couldn't recognize any of them. It was night time and we just rounded a corner when we spotted an enormous grizzly bear. The bear didn't seem to notice us, it was too busy eating the bushes, but suddenly all of us were rank with fear. We bolted back up to the building, but there was this general knowledge amongst everyone that the bear would continue up the mountain. That it was only a matter of time before it reached the place where we were staying, and that the doors in the hallway were thin and flimsy, hardly capable of keeping out a bear.
We reached the open hallway and everyone split up to hide in their separate rooms. I, however, went to the door at the very end of the hallway where one of my friends, who hadn't been walking with the rest of us, was staying. I went inside and told him that there was a bear coming. He didn't seem too bothered by this and told me, "It's only a bear." I then proceeded to hide in my room, but no sooner had I got there than the door started to rattle. I could hear the bear breathing outside, and the door began to break. I fled to the closet in my room and hid inside it. Peering out from the crack in the closet door I saw something that hadn't been there before. A lion was lying on the floor of my room, facing the doorway. As I watched the door stopped moving, the bear's breathing grew fainter and I knew that he had gone back down the mountain. When I came out of the closet, the lion turned to me and said: "It was only a bear."
Then the scene changed and me and my group of friends were running down the mountain, care free, playing some sort scavenger hunt game where you had to collect nalgenes hanging on carabiners from the trees (profound I know). We passed tons of bears just like the first one while playing this game, but they didn't even notice us. They just kept eating the bushes while we ran by unharmed.
The dream ended with me talking to my friend once more, and telling him of everything that had happened. He didn't seem very surprised, and told me this: "The bears only get as much strength as you give them. You had the power to beat it all along."

2006-08-12T17:05:00.000-07:00

24 hour flu anyone? I think I still have a couple hours left...

Back Amongst the Beautiful

2006-07-29T14:28:00.000-07:00

Ontario is a wierd province. Not only do they have really wierd road signs everywhere, but they also have wierd looking people everywhere. And I mean that insulting comment in the best possible way. The running total of attractive females for an entire two weeks in ontario was 7. The running total for attractive males is unknown (the survey has yet to be completed officially) but my guess is that it wouldn't even make it to double digits. It's the strangest thing really, for such a huge province with huge populations. Then when we came back to Saskatchewan it was like beautiful people were everywhere! So there you go Saskatchewanites. Kudos to you for being as gorgeous as you are.
Here's a list is of the humorous road signs I spotted whilst in Ontario. Enjoy!

NIGHT DANGER
Fatigue kills. Take a break.
Show your support by wearing red on firdays.
Seldom seen Rd.
Go Home Lake Rd.
East Braintree
Moose on the loose
CAUTION SENIORS
Slow children playing

Ride On the Magic RV

2006-07-25T16:37:00.000-07:00

Check it out, I'm writing a blog from the booming metropolis of Milton Ontario. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of being there, it's a town outside of Toronto, and quickly becoming a suburb.
Our trip way down to Milton ended up taking us 4 and a half days. We drove 90km/hr the whole way (which feels WAY faster when you're driving that wheeled house down the highway). The first day we got to wynyard, then blew a tire (it literally blew up, there was rubber all over the road) and had to crawl to yorkton after putting on the spare. Then the next day we blew another tire. Woot. Then the day after that we had the day from hell where everyone wanted to either take a plane home or curl into the fetal position and weep like a small child. The RV almost ran out of propane because we couldn't find a auto propane station ANYWHERE. Then when we stopped at town to ask it randomly wouldn't start. We had to keep it in park idling, and my dad had to push it into a nearby campsite to fix it. Then we decided to go out to a restaurant to drown our sorrows in food we didn't have to make, but the only restaurant was closed. I think the world hates us. But finally, at long last we made it. And despite our terrible trip here, its been a good vacation.

Hey, this place looks familiar...

2006-07-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

Ever have a goal that you've been striving for for a long time, and then when you finally get there you suddenly start to wonder if it's where you wanted to be after all?

I hate it when that happens. I like to know where I'm going, I don't like to be lost. Why does Jesus get to know the future and I don't?

Pink Station Wagon of Repressed Bad Memory

2006-07-06T15:15:00.000-07:00

Superman should have never returned. He should have definitely stayed away. A couple nights ago I experienced my first drive-in movie. I think I'll wait a while before going again. I went with three other people, to see Superman Returns for the sole purpose of laughing at it. I think we might have been able to mock that movie more had it not been that all four of us were jammed in the back of my brother's pink station wagon trying to see the screen through the small back window, with defrost lines. Before the movie had even begun, every pane of glass in that car had fogged up as the temperature kept getting hotter and hotter. I had to wipe the window down every couple of minutes with my sweater so that we could still have some visual. Then we decided we should open some windows to let some air in. I think the only thing we let in was swarms of mosquitos. By the time two and a half hours of this had ended the car not only had developed a strange smell of B.O. but my legs were so cramped from sitting in such a confined space that I doubted I would ever be able to walk without a limp again. At least there was a plus side. I didn't have to have a crappy experience watching a movie I actually liked. Who decided some alien in spandex not wearing his glasses qualified as a superhero anyway?

I'm not depressed, just obsessed with myself

2006-07-03T15:26:00.000-07:00

My good friend from Bible school used to tell me, "It's all in your mind." Lately I've been realizing just how true that statement is. Happiness, it would seem, is a choice. Sometimes it's easier for me to wallow in self pity for no other reason than that I rather enjoy getting sympathy, but when I start to make it a habit, life just gets more and more depressing. It's nice to get a wake up call every once in a while that reminds me being depressed is just a state of mind and that I have every reason to be filled with joy. How much Satan loves it when I think only about myself, and with that fool myself into believing that I have reason to be unhappy with my life.

...I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
- Phillipians 4:12-13

Gravity Does Work

2006-06-27T23:34:00.000-07:00

Allow me to explain...

We just moved into a new house a couple months ago, and in the back is a rundown old garage that really only qualifies as a disporportionate shed. My father is lost without a garage and so he began the job of tearing down the shed so he could build a new garage. Being a good wife, my mom helped him. Somehow, the garage was dismantled so that 3 walls were torn down, and one wall was left, free standing, completely unsupported. Most people at this point would of stood clear and pushed the wall down with a stick or a pole, a shovel, anything! But instead, my parents proceeded to clean up around the free standing wall. It wasn't standing for long. The wall toppled and managed to fall directly on top of my mother, catching her in the back and knocking her to her knees and hands. Now I would like to point out at this time that while this all was going on I was asleep in my room, and the only part of this adventure that I experienced was my father waking me up to tell me that he was taking my mom to the hospital. Anyways, my mom ended up breaking her wrist. A pretty minor injury when I think about what else could have happened. It was funny to watch my mom tell the story. After about the fifth person asked her how she broke her wrist, she changed the story to a simple: "I fell." I guess it got too embarassing and too long to tell every person what really happened. So the moral of this story is... actually there is no moral. But if you see my mom with a purple cast on her arm, instead of asking what happened just ask if you can sign it.

2006-06-21T17:07:00.000-07:00

"If you think you're good and you're proud of it, you will be very, very sorry one day. If you're a total mess and you're sorry and you don't know what to do about it, then there's hope."

- David Bazan from Pedro the Lion

Human Valium

2006-06-16T15:10:00.000-07:00

I have super powers. It's official. I have the amazing ability to make nothing happen. Wherever I go people are ok, and nothing is wrong. I should work for the peace keepers and they can put me in the front lines of a great battle, and then everyone will suddenly stop and wonder what they are doing there, and then decide that fighting takes too much effort and go home to play with their kids and make fruit smoothies.

I could be the new X-Men. They could call me Anti-Stimulant, or Heather the Human Valium. Whenever the X-Men needed to break into some place or fight someone they could send me and I'd put all their enemies to sleep. Never again would innocent blood be spilt! Dun da da daaa!

Ooh ooh, or even better. They could make an entire show about me where I'm some rich woman who keeps the city safe without having to leave the comfort of her own home. The show would consist of 1 hour episodes where nothing ever happens.

I should've gone into film. I've been pursuing the wrong career all this time.

My Sister Sodom

2006-05-30T19:19:00.000-07:00

I find it really interesting that I have never heard a Christian confess the sin of greed. Come to think of it, of all my years of going to church I don't remember even hearing someone address the topic of greed. The reason I think this is interesting is because we live in North America, where we have everything we could possibly want and more, and everything around us is in excess, and we are defined by our belongings and how much we own. So you would think, if there's going to be a group of people likely to struggle with being self indulgent and greedy it would be us. I think it's also wierd that we don't talk about greed when the very first sin that was commited was by Adam and Eve being greedy. I mean think about it, they were living in paradise with everything they needed at their fingertips and a perfect relationship with God, but they wanted more. All the trees in the garden of Eden weren't enough, they just had to eat some from the only tree they couldn't have.

Odd isn't it? It's like we refuse to acknowledge we have a problem. It's like we've decided to skip over the part of the gospels where Jesus tells the rich young man to sell everything. You know Jesus spoke more about money than he did about love. But I guess it's easier to love people, than to pay for them.

"Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy." - Ezekiel 16:49

Latest IQ results: 0.2

2006-05-24T07:27:00.000-07:00

So I've decided that I should change the name of my blog seeing as it's started to become a place where people go to read funny stories about my idiocy. I should probably be more careful about what I post on the internet.

But since we're on the topic...
It was my last shift working in the hospital today and I thought it would be nice if I bought a whole crapload of donuts to take for the nurses. So I go to Tim Hortons, I meticulously pick out 24 different donuts. If you don't know what 24 donuts looks like, it takes up two BIG boxes. So the girl at the counter fills them up for me, she's finally got it all ready, I go to pay and what do I find? Alas, no debit card. And do I carry change? Nope. There was a fleeting moment where I thought about making up some story about how I had left my wallet in the car and then book it out of there. Tires squealing, leaving long burnt rubber streaks in the parking lot. I don't know, I guess I just chickened out. Well, at least I can have the comfort knowing that things could've been worse. I could of been wearing a really dorky student EMT uniform... oh right.... I was.

Fresh Produce or Garbage Dump

2006-05-17T16:31:00.000-07:00

I had a sudden revelation today at work. I was potting mini pumpkins into bigger containers so that they could grow, and I found myself thinking about that part in the Bible where Jesus says that you will be able to recognize a false prophet by the fruit that they bear. Now I'm the type of person who takes the Bible way too literally so a lot of Jesus's sayings are lost on me because I can't think of them metaphorically. But I guess something about having that lump of pumpkin roots in my hand made it make sense, and it made me wonder what sort of things I'm producing in my own life. Like if I could transform all my actions and decisions into groceries, what would I have? Would I have a basket full of nice ripe fruit, or would I have some expired milk and coffee grounds? And once I got to the checkout, what would Jesus say? Will he be pleased with what I've done, or will he shake his head at the crap I've got coming out of me. Please don't take that last sentence literally.

My Daily Dose of Dorkasy

2006-04-27T10:49:00.000-07:00

You know how I wrote I'm so glad I do stupid things, because it makes my life more interesting. Well, I don't think that's entirely true. I don't think I would mind if my life was less interesting.

Ok, so here's my advice. Do not, on your first day of EMT practicum, put a binder full of important papers that you have to hand in in order to pass on the top of your car and drive away. Also, do not have them loose inside that binder so that they explode as soon as they hit the ground. Do not arrange all this on a busy road with no shoulder to turn off so that you have to stop traffic, and run around madly in your student uniform to try and retreive them. And, you might want to make sure, that one of your preceptors does NOT, I repeat, does NOT drive by and see you doing this and proceeds to tell your other preceptors. All of whom I would like to point out, are responsible for marking you as a "competent" person in order for you to pass. And lastly, try to keep an obnoxious soccer mom from blindly driving over your binder, just as you're about to pick it up, not only pulverizing what remains of your paperwork but launching it gracefully through the air in showers of white, and sending you scrambling ALL over again. I wonder if the practicum coordinator who receives my paperwork will be able to identify the tread marks.

Play Time Is Over

2006-04-14T17:13:00.000-07:00

I hate saying goodbyes. They either turn out cheesy, or I leave wishing I could have let the person really know how much I'm going to miss them. On monday I have to say goodbye to 20 people I've spent five days a week with for the past 3 months and whom I love so much. I hate even thinking about it. It might be easier if I could lie to myself and say that I will still keep in touch with all of them and we will still get to hang out, but I know from experience that distance ends friendships. It makes me think of this one Scrubs episode, where J.D. wants his best friend Turk to move back in with him and shouts out abruptly: "I miss you so much it hurts sometimes." It's a lame phrase, but I can understand what he really meant by it.

2006-04-10T16:34:00.000-07:00

I think Indie Rock was created so ugly people could be cool.

Hero Pants

2006-04-10T16:22:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad I do stupid things. It makes my life that much more interesting.

I went on an adventure to buy my paramedic uniform for my practicum. So I go into the special store they have full of... paramedic-type things, and this guy was nicely helping me find sizes. So he grabs me a shirt, and says: "Here, try this one." So me, completely oblivious to the fact that there is a changeroom (it looked an awful lot like a storage closet in my defense), I take off my sweater planning to just put it on over top of my shirt. And the sales guy gives me this wierd look and points to the door saying: "Um, the changeroom is over there."

I went to the changeroom. I was just slightly redder than when I first entered the store. But the adventure wasn't over yet! I tried on some paramedic pants (we've dubbed them hero pants), and discovered that you definitely do not go into this line of work to look good. Sure firefighters get to look good, and police officers get sweet uniforms, but paramedics? Heck no. These pants have a waist line that sits somewhere above my belly button. When I bend over I can't breathe, and my feet start to go numb. They then flare out at the hips, and taper off at the ankles. So if you're shaped like an inverted cone, they MIGHT be form fitting. I don't know, you'd have to check on that one.

Tchaikovsky is Therapeutic

2006-04-07T18:50:00.000-07:00

So I took the bus this past week, and found myself standing on the curb in downtown Saskatoon listening to some rendition of Beethoven's 5th Symphony - or maybe it was his 9th, or his 7000th - blaring out across the street while people groggily stumbled about waiting for the day to start. I think there's a word that describes that sort of feeling, what's it called? Oh yeah, "surreal." There's just something so clashy about classical music with well trained musicians pouring out their talent on some concrete and glass while dirt covered, exhaust smelling, buses roar by every 30 seconds. It reminded me of some science fiction novel, where the people of earth are living in some controlled environment by their alien enemies who are using brain lobotomy to keep them obliviously passive. Except in this case, the enemy is whoever decided classical music sounds good in a downtown bus stop at 8 in the morning, and the brain lobotomy is some background music meant to keep you feeling "happy" without you noticing it's there.

:)

2006-03-30T14:52:00.000-08:00

I love life! I'm almost twenty and I think I'm actually starting to know what its like to LIVE. Plus things are starting to make so much more sense than they ever have before! Check it out, these are some things I've picked up on in - oh I don't know... the past two days?

1) Not getting what you want is by FAR the best thing that will ever happen to you
2) Getting what you want after you've NOT gotten what you want, makes it like an infinity more times important
3) Blessings seem to always be camouflaged as dilemmas. I know you've heard it before, but it's actually true!

Want to know what brought on these revelations? I'm in Saskatoon for my practicum! and we don't have a dishwasher!!
Note: those two statements are not interrelated.

Ha Ha Ha

2006-03-28T15:25:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have those days, where absolutely EVERYTHING is funny? Aw man, I love those days so much. The only problem is, I always seem to get them when everyone around me is in a somber mood. I'm sure I must come across as annoying. Nevertheless, they are enjoyable. Take today for example. I was writing an exam at school, and everytime my teacher walked in to see if we had questions, he managed to make me laugh. That man has never been so funny in his entire life I think. Then we did scenerios afterwards and I was the patient. I feel sorry for the student who was trying to figure out what was wrong with me, because every time she asked me if I was in pain I just laid there grinning like a mad fool. Alas, if only the whole world could have good days at the same time. Now THAT would be funny.

The Bubble Theory

2006-03-23T15:03:00.000-08:00

So I watched the movie Saved a couple nights ago. Maybe it was due to the fact that it was 5:30 in the morning and it felt like my eyeballs were on fire, but I rather enjoyed it. True, there were some messages in it that I definitely disagreed with - like God made us different, therefore anything goes - but there were also some really interesting perspectives. It made me think about people who come to church for the first time, or who hang around churchgoers for the first time. Just how things we say, or how we act must seem so incredibly fake to them. How we use wierd words and phrases that we're used to and that make us sound more spiritual but that we don't really understand. How we befriend people to try and "convert" them. I know these are horribly generalized conclusions, but I mean that is our motive for doing a lot of things. We want to see more people become "christians." We want the number of people attending our church to grow. We want lots of new people to come to church. Don't get me wrong, none of these things are bad - I wish everyone I knew understood what it was like to be loved and cared for by Christ - but I think our good intentions have been twisted. We care more about pulling people into our secluded buildings that we huddle in every Sunday morning, and getting them to "ask Jesus into their heart", whatever the heck that even means, than we do about them as a person. I mean isn't that the whole point of what we call Christianity? To love God, and to love other people. I don't know, I don't remember Jesus saying anywhere in the Bible that we should love other people after they've become like us. Look at the apostles in the Bible. They loved people so much they ran to meet them where they were, usually got some form of beating because of it, and then did it all over again. Their lives were ruled by this intense, passionate love for people. And here we are, in our Sunday morning services, in our Christian schools, with our Christian credit unions, reading our Christian books, and buying Christian music from Christian stores, waiting for newcomers to walk into this delicate safety zone we've established so they can join the Christian community.

I understand that we're not "of this world" but surely we're taking this a bit too far.

2006-03-17T06:23:00.000-08:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone! If you're not wearing green, then I'm pinching you as we speak.

My Everyday Epiphany

2006-03-16T16:58:00.000-08:00

I love how Jesus makes the little things in life an adventure. Like taking the bus for example. I can just see Jesus sitting in the seat in front of me, turning around with a grin on his face and saying: "See that guy over there, I made him just the way he is." People are so beautiful when you remember they were created from nothing.

Face Rating: 2Q's and an X

2006-03-12T12:08:00.000-08:00

Well I've been a little severe on my sex, so I think it's time to turn the radar gun in the opposite direction. I hear a lot of guys rant about how girls are shallow and they only want a guy who has a good job and security, but you know what, guys are just as low level minded as us. To all you men out there who don't believe me, ask yourself: "Would I ever be attracted to a girl who wasn't pretty?" Yeah that's right. Girls may want security but guys these days seem only focused on a girl's appearance. I think females are far more loving of who someone is rather than what's on their face.

All Aboard! ...Except You Two.

2006-03-01T17:57:00.000-08:00

So I had the delightful experience of going on my first pub crawl last Friday. It actually, was suprisingly fun, considering I don't like to drink a lot, and I usually can't stand going to the bar. I've never really had fun hanging out with drunk people, but let me tell you, jammed into a school bus with thirty some intoxicated individuals banging on the walls and singing a slightly slurred version of Happy Birthday was a bit of a bonding moment. I mean you can't help but laugh after a while. The climax of the evening, however, was when me and my one friend (probably the only sober people of the lot) somehow managed to not hear the announcement that the group was leaving when we were at The Pat, and proceeded to get left behind. I'm blaming it on divine intervention.

Random Thoughts On The Female Mind

2006-02-17T17:15:00.000-08:00

Why is it, you can take the smartest, most level-headed, most beautiful, fun to be around, great personality, talented whatever else would make her amazing, girl and put a guy in her path and she suddenly turns into a blundering idiot. It blows my mind, the things us girls do because of guys. I've seen girls who have been friends since they were out of the womb and stood by each other through everything just turn all ballistic and ruin their friendship because of a guy. I've seen girls just drop all their plans for their lives and abandon everything they're passionate about for some guy. I mean I guess it probably goes both ways with guys too, but I just seem to hear it a lot more from girls. "He's going to school over here, and I want to be with him so I'm going to stay over there and screw eveything that I had planned for myself." Don't tell me you haven't heard that speel before. I mean, I know this is a little lopsided coming from someone who's only relationship was three weeks long, and who has never dated a guy she had real feelings for. But there is something that just doesn't feel right about it. I mean, isn't there something really valid about finding someone who has maybe, I don't know, the same passions as you? The same interests? It's like our value is determined by how impressive the guy is attached to us. If he's good looking, got a steady job, lots of cash, his own car, then you just jacked up your life rating by four stars. Keep up the good work. At this rate you can have a 7000 star husband by the time you're 21 and never have to experience living your own life.

My School is Like a Game Show. Lots of Colors and Fancy Objects, and if You Answer the Question Right, You Just Might Win a Prize.

2006-02-07T16:07:00.000-08:00

I just had the best day of class ever. We did scenerios, which basically means you pretend that you're actually getting called to someone's house for some form of emergency. I got a 73 year old guy with pneumonia (which was actually an 18 year old rather giggly patient. So much for acting out the appropriate symptoms). But I gotta tell you, I don't think there is anything more satisfying than knowing you did a scenario well. Interpreted the sign and symptoms, asked the right questions, and treated the patient right. The only downside to the day was that when my teacher did an example of what we were expected to do, he got me to be the patient. How I love pretending to be sick in front of 20 other people, while your teacher pokes and prods you and makes comments on how your legs are hairy. Woot.

Not Eating is Such a Messy Business

2006-02-03T08:44:00.000-08:00

So I went to Journeys on wednesday, and the bunch of us went through different chapters in Matthew together. Each of us was given a specific chapter and then a chunk of time to pray through it and write down the things we found in that section about what it means to be a follower/learner of Jesus. Amazingly in almost all of the sections we studied, the theme of fasting came up. It really stuck with me because it's been something that Jesus keeps mentioning to me but that I keep discarding. I think the reason I try to ignore his nudges in the direction of fasting is that I love food. It's probably one of my biggest crutches. I hate the feeling of being weak, in fact I have spent most of my life striving to be as tough and independent and solid as I can. Give me an empty stomach, however, and all my fine work in those directions will suddenly disappear, and I will become the most unstable, irritable, and pathetic person you've probably ever met. Plus being hungry just puts me in a terrible mood all the time.

But I remember back when I went to a Bible School in Edmonton (this was not the average "bubble" Christian school in my defense), and how the two strongest underlying lessons that they instilled upon us there, was to give your money away, and to fast. I remember making the commitement to fast one day a week, from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to bed. The idea was that I would wake up hungry, and go to sleep hungry. Make no mistake, I hated it. My fasting days were full of dread, and I tried every excuse that I could to avoid doing it. Sometimes I was even successsful. But when I look back on those days in Bible school when I was fasting, I remember a time in my life when I really felt alive. When Jesus was an intense presence in my life that I pursued more passionately then I ever had before. And I remember for the first time as well, producing fruit. Loving people was almost easy. It was as if all my perspectives and priorities had suddenly been properly alphabetized.

Fasting is still something that confuses me, and in my over-indulgent North American lifestyle it's easy to avoid doing it by telling myself that I'm too weak and I just can't, and that not eating is really unhealthy and probably dangerous. But I guess what it all boils down to, is that If Jesus wants me to do it it's for a reason, and despite my well phrased excuses, there are benefits to sacrifice. I should just be thankful he didn't ask me to stop eating for a week.

I Am So Glad My Friends Who Aren't Christians Don't Go To Christian Events.

2006-01-31T19:13:00.000-08:00

So I went to Breakforth this weekend. One ginormous Christian fest if you've never heard of it before. Whenever I go to those big events, and find myself surrounded by "Christians" and the church-going type, I develop a very cynical attitude. Now, make no mistake I am a terrible judge of character, and I have no super powers that allow me to tell where people's hearts are at, but I just can't seem to take the services there seriously. I mean for starters, why is it after almost every worship song everyone claps. Is this a concert? are we praising God, or the musicians? and why is it that every worship leader that comes out gets a huge introduction before hand about how amazing they are. Would they be unable to worship God as good, if they were just regular people who screw up like everyone else? You know what really got me about the weekend. The guy who runs it. Arlen Salte. I think that's how it's spelt. He kept talking about how people need to give money to support the next Breakforth, and how people need to give money so him and his wife can go on a nice vacation-I mean missions trip-to a poor country and take pictures of them standing next to some starving African kid-I mean.... help the people. Yeah that's what they were doing there. But come to think of it, he never actually mentioned what they would do there, he only talked about how him and his wife needed some more money in order to be able to make it there. Here's my question. Why is it as Christians we have no problems donating to help support some HUGE over rated Christian weekend retreat for Christians, but we find it hard to give change to panhandlers. A little obscure I know. But think about it. Both people are hiding behind addictions, and avoiding dealing with the real world... except I don't know, I think the panhandlers are probably far more aware of the world around them than the Christian community.

The dilemas of relocating oneself and belongings.

2006-01-13T15:35:00.000-08:00

Nothing like going to school for the first time in over a year and moving at the same time. I hate moving. It's gotta be like the worst action you can ever do. I mean how can you find any pleasure in taking all the mounds and mounds of STUFF you've collected over the past 13 years, stuffing it all into various sized boxes. Lifting and moving those boxes all into a ginormous truck. And then getting to do EVERYTHING all over again at the other end. And then you have the great fun of trying to decipher where each of those thousands of boxes go. Woot. Sounds like enormous fun to me.

BOYS! And they say girls are confusing.

2006-01-01T20:06:00.000-08:00

What is it with guys. They complain about girls and how we irritate them to no end... and yet they never seem to leave us alone. I don't think guys realize that when they pursue girls they don't even know and have JUST met, it doesn't really speak too highly of their intentions. And they wonder why girls can be incredibly rude sometimes... maybe we're just trying to protect ourselves. And maybe we're trying to show them how we feel about them without actually having to say it-which translates into: I'm not interested. Stop trying to pursue this relationship, and take a simple "NO!" as just that.

Santa vs. Jesus

2005-12-27T17:49:00.000-08:00

It was interesting, the other day my mom was talking to me about Santa and comparing him to Jesus Christ. It's wierd when you think about it, that so many people are perfectly fine telling their children that a fake man in a suit delivers their presents, but they just cannot accept the story about Jesus. It is also wierd that people like Santa Claus for what "he stands for." But what does he stand for really? If you are good, you will get presents. If you are a nice person you will get rewarded. Compare that to Jesus and what he stood for. Love others, all people are equal, you will be rejected and struck down on account of me and my Name. No nice warm promises for a perfect future there. Jesus went a month without eating, he wandered around the countryside with no where to live, he dedicated his life to serving other people (especially the poor and unwanted) and was brutally murdered because of it. Santa on the other hand is fat, he's over indulgent, and gives to the rich. It's interesting how everyone likes to celebrate him at Christmas time.

King Kong

2005-12-24T11:58:00.000-08:00

Ok, so against my will I was captured and forced to watch the new King Kong movie by Peter Jackson. It actually wasn't bad, considering it's a 3 hour movie about a ginormous gorilla, directed by a man who both loves and has mastered the art of "Filler." It improved on my opinion when I discovered Adrian Brody was in it, who, frankly, is a genius. But the worst part of the movie (for those who haven't seen it I will try not to give too much away) was that there was like a 40 minute BUG scene. These were not just ordinary insects either, but freakishly large creatures shaped like centipedes and grasshoppers (by far the vilest of all insects) and these earthworm things that sucked people up whole. YEAGH!! I've never heard so much groaning and complaining from a theater audience before.

2005-12-12T14:58:00.000-08:00

2005-12-01T17:36:00.000-08:00

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