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Christians baffle me. This past year I have seen more Christian friends fall away than I ever thought possible. People I used to look up to for questions of faith and of God. Now I am watching them slowly destroy themselves by the unwillingness to put God first in their lives. By their unwillingness to give up their selfish desires for Him. It's made me study my own walk with God more intently than I have in a long time. Am I any different? I get distracted and worry about money and work, and I get busy and don't make time for Him. Am I willing to give up those things for God? Am I also living for my selfish desires, or is their a deeper, Christ-like passion that is driving the actions of my life.

"The more I see of the world, the more I am dissatisfied with it." - Jane Austen
I thought of that today, and how true it is. The older I get, the more I learn and experience and witness, the more my heart breaks for what we've lost. For what we are losing every day. For how we destroy ourselves choice by arrogant choice, and then wonder why we feel sad, or broken, or lost, and why God feels so incredibly far away. I had a very rough couple weeks at work. I went to terrible calls and saw horrible things, and left each of them thinking to myself that no one should have to see these things. That these things should not even happen. And as I biked home from work one night crying on my bicycle at 3 am, the entire sky opened up with northern lights. And as gorgeous as they were, and as majestic as those shifting swirls of green and pink cascading across the sky were, they were filled with sorrow. And out of them, I felt like God was weeping over His lost creation. Over the works of His tender hands, created in His own image, that He must sit and watch turn to darkness and destruction because He was gracious enough to give us free will.

I thought of how we spit in His face by ignoring Him. How we put Him second and third and fifth to meaningless objects and bank accounts, and flesh. I thought of how heavy His heart must be for us. So full of love, so full of our potential, and what we could become, but instead choosing to be stuck here, drowning in our own bad choices. I wish we cared enough about God to put Him first.